Let me begin by stating that I don’t know how to write. My example: “The Internets are a powerful thing.” Eleventeen grammar teachers just choked on their past participles after reading that atrociousness. Following that, an infinite number of mathematicians died from shock when they realized that eleventeen is a real number in an infinite universe, which would be necessary for them to exist. The philosophy professors then applauded.
The point of this blog post is to demonstrate the truthocity of the statement:
The Internets are a powerful thing
I have taken it upon myself (read: I got distracted) to liberally scour the internets for some cool quips. Many of these quips are funny and some are thought-provoking. And one will trigger an undetectable countdown in your brain after you read the words. An hour after the countdown begins, you will explode into confetti and there will be a party. With cake. You have been warned.
- “I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.”
- “I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day.”
- “How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?”
- “Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.”
- “What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?”
- “You can divide infinity an infinite number of times, and the resulting pieces will still be infinitely large. But if you divide a non-infinite number an infinite number of times the resulting pieces are non-infinitely small. Since they are non-infinitely small, but there are an infinite number of them, if you add them back together, their sum is infinite. This implies any number is, in fact, infinite.”
- “When he who hears does not know what he who speaks means, and when he who speaks does not know what he himself means, that is philosophy.”
- “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”
- “Philosophy is the science which considers truth.”
- “I’m never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? ADMIRAL Crunch?”
- “If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.”
- “I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.”
- “As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.”
- “It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.”
- “The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.”
- “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.”
- “We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.”
- “Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
- “Do or do not. There is no try.”
Okay, so the list was a cop out because I couldn’t figure out anything cool to post today. But it was fun = )
I might do more awesome quotes in future bouts of laziness.
One final thought: Have a great party!